denちゃん

At the beginning of the year I made the resolution that I was going to start making choices based on what I wanted to do. You might think oh, that's easy, but it's not for someone who has grown up as a people pleaser. I found it hard to choose something purely based on my own likes or dislikes because there was always the chance that doing so would upset someone else.

Recently I've taken this resolution a little further and I've decided I'm going to tell people what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. That's considerably harder than the first resolution but recently I've been voicing my true feelings rather than replying with the canned response of I'm fine. Articulating these feelings isn't something I find easy and it usually makes the situation about a hundred times more difficult. Reactions to this behaviour have ranged from delight to upset to plain annoyance.

I feel that those who I can be truly honest and open with should feel privileged that I give them enough trust with my emotions for them to know them but that isn't always the case. The way I look at it, people can know me and how I feel and accept that or they can walk out of my life. I'm a strong individual and I don't really need support from anyone. That's not me saying I don't want friends, I do, I like the companionship; the good times, the fun times, but I cannot balance by heart on people who may be secretly thinking negative things about me.

So, in a way, this is a little like a disclosure. If people don't like the way I'm developing as a person they don't have to. I respect that. Just be aware that I don't want to be a walk over anymore.